And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
