Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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