so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize