birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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