Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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