I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize