I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
