Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
