If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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