Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
