im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
