i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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