she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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