I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
