i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
