the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
