I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
