After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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