So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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