I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
