just tell him i said nine months
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
