watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
