Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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