I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
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