Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I party with great urgency now.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
