I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
