So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
