I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
