Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
