I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
