I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Everyone says I win the strip club
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
