Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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