My friends, they love my intelligence
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
