Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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