I wish I only lived at night.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
