I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
