I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
