It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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