I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
