this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
