good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Randomize
