im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
