I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
