I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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