Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
