Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
