Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
