If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I touched a dick in church today
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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