the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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