So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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