the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
