I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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