glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
