I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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