omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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