i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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